Orange is the New Black Season 2: Episode 1. ‘Thirsty Bird’

Orange is the New Black is back. After binge watching Season Two as quickly as we could we thought we’d recap the episodes to hold on to it for a little bit longer.

Oh Orange.

So where are we at the start of Season 2? For those of you that binged watched season 1 (guilty) and can’t remember: Piper beat the living shit out of Pensatucky and we don’t know what happened next. Is Pensatucky dead? Is Piper going to be in prison for all time for killing her? Also, more importantly many of you will have heard the rumours about Alex not returning to the show (sob). So what the fuck happens to Alex? Pretty much of all this is dealt with in the first episode.

Season 2: Episode 1. ‘Thirsty Bird’

SPOILERS! THIS IS A RECAP. IT IS MADE OF SPOILERS. If you haven’t watched this episode please take a long look at yourself and your life choices and go put Netflix on. And if you don’t have Netflix get the free one month trial and binge it!

It will change your life… Well at least your social life! Courtsey of Netflix

The first episode is our least favourite of the new season. It does answer all these questions but it doesn’t do a lot else. This episode takes us back into the world of Piper Chapman but it doesn’t take us back to Lichfield and that’s the problem. And we all know that while Piper may have led us into Lichfield prison it’s the host of characters we meet there that make us stay.

So where’s Piper?

Much of the episode is spent leaving us to ponder on that very question. Piper is woken up from sleeping in solitary (a time she has wisely used to create pictures on the walls with egg – boak), handcuffed and put on a bus. Piper spends most of this journey whining about needing to pee, asking where she’s being taken and experiencing flashbacks to her childhood. Unsurprisingly Piper was a whiney child who was afraid of breaking all the rules. Oh and one time she saw her Dad kissing a mysterious woman but it was not as important to her mother as the colour of the neighbour’s fence. No wonder Piper saw the artistic potential in that egg yolk. Same old Piper. Eventually they get off the bus and get on a plane. Cons on a plane! This plane is equipped with hyperventilating lesbians and men leering at women so at least it’s a bit more like Lichfield.

Piper and the Planechain Gang rock up at Chicago Metropolitan Correctional Center which makes Lichfield looks like a dream. This place has cells and bars and you have to stay behind them. Harsh. There are host of characters that just aren’t lovable or well developed enough to make it to series regulars, although they are decent enough not to stand for any of Piper’s whining. Picking up on her privileged ‘do you know who I am’ act, one of these new inmates, Mozall, asks if she’s Lyndsey Lohan which is probably the best line any one of them has. They spend most of their time trying to train cockroaches to carry contraband and Mozall is trying some kind of astrological dating prediction that involves licking Piper’s face that probably hasn’t been cleaned since she entered SHU. Hawt.

Picture courtesy of Orange is the New App/Kamio Inc

Piper’s pretty unfazed though because she’s still worried that she’s going on trial for killing Pensatucky and not even an invitation into a penguin huddle can make her feel better. But then what’s that in the distance? Black hair? Glasses? It’s Alex. Beautiful Alex. What is Alex doing here? So it turns out Mr Scary Drug Baronface I’ve forgotten the name of because he is unimportant is on trial and Alex and Piper have been called to give evidence. Sorry the world doesn’t revolve around you Pipes but at least you didn’t kill Pensatucky.

Alex is all “Don’t tell them your name Pipes. Don’t say you knew Mr Scary Drug Man”. Piper is all “but I have to tell the truth because of all those flashbacks with the blonde kid who does what’s she’s told and gets punished anyway”. Alex calls her a fool and swans off looking wonderful. Larry’s Dad tells her to tell the truth so Piper weighs up her options and decides the advice from the woman she loves is more important than her ex-fiance’s father and lawyer so she doesn’t tell the court anything. Wise move Piper. However, Alex has a change of heart and decides she can’t lie any more. Alex gets a deal and is whisked away to live a life of freedom and real food.

As Alex is taken outside Piper screams