Coming out is a process, I admire those who have – I can openly say that I most certainly haven’t. We struggle and struggle, often in silence, and then we have our moment where we just know. Whether gay, straight, bisexual, or whatever, we are born this way and we will die this way. Or maybe not that’s not quite right? Surely this can’t be the only explanation.
I believe that sexuality is fluid.
When you are discovering who you are and who you want to be with, you go through phases of trying to find exactly what you identify as. Trying on different labels until we find the one that fits. It’s not that our sexuality is fluid, it’s that we haven’t found the right label yet.
But what if our sexuality could continually change throughout our lives. I mean everything else does: our tastes in clothes, or music, or food. But more to the point, our own personalities change throughout our lives – I believe that our sexuality is one of the biggest aspects of our personality.
I always knew from a young age that I wasn’t straight – and that was fine, more than fine! As I had an interest in both men and women, it was right to assume that I was bisexual, right?
And I was bisexual. For a while. As I grew up something started to not feel quite right. I had fully accepted myself as bisexual, that had felt like a perfect fit, but now I wasn’t so sure. I had completely returned to square one of the ‘Who am I, really?’ path. Upon much more contemplation of what I potentially am, I completely broke down. It drove me nuts as I, like so many of us, had to deal with such disgusting discrimination. I felt dirty, I was hurt – I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. It took me over a year before I spoke to anyone about sexuality again, even now; most people have no idea that I am not straight.
I think that sexuality is something that changes and develops as we get older.
Our needs, wants and desires change throughout our lifetime – once again, take this with a pinch of salt (or perhaps a bag). Some people’s needs, wants and desires change little throughout their lives and then other’s change so dramatically. I think this is a really normal thing to happen to everyone who is ‘queer’ in one way or another. After years of wondering, , questioning and after many tears were shed, I identify as a pansexual. It was after several years of meeting new people of new genders and sexualities, having seen their beauty individually I began to notice things like gender less and less, it is now something that doesn’t even occur to me. Ever since trying on the pansexual label, I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin – even if you and only a few others know it. Who knows – my sexuality could change in the years to come – I highly doubt it though – I think that my preferences might shift to a certain extent, but within the pansexual umbrella.
Sexuality, along with so many other aspects of our personality change and develop with time. If you are lucky enough to just know, and understand who and what you are, then I am rather envious. For those of you who are still searching for yourself, it’ll come with time.